So I took a trip down memory lane today, and wound up falling on my ass.
Have you ever felt like you're loosing your identity? Not like in a credit card theft type way. But that you aren't the same person you used to be and you don't really like that fact?
It started out with John and I looking through my art portfolio from high school. I didn't realize what really cool stuff I had done. And then I thought about how I don't do art any more. John informed me that scrapbooking is indeed art...and I agree...however, it's a completely different type of art. I don't know, it's not as artsy of an art. You still use the same principals of design (line, shape, space, color etc) but...it still feels different some how.
Anyway, as I was driving John home I started rambling about how I feel like when I'm at school I'm loosing my identity. I have to wear maroon scrubs for one thing. Everyone at school wears a different color depending on their program. Whatever. But I feel like a cow. Not as in fat, but in that I look like everyone else.
In high school I made it my mission to be different. I was NOT going to be the same as everyone else, and I wasn't. Now, I am. I feel like I'm selling out. In high school I had dreams of being a writer; being some type of artist; basically doing something creative as my career. Now I'm going to school for Medical Coding; the least creative thing ever. But I have to do what I have to do in order to make a good living so that I can support John and I, and support any artistic endeavors I choose to partake in later.
But I feel like people at school don't know the real me. They see the maroon wearing girl that looks like everyone else. That's why I'm not giving up my black-rimmed glasses just yet. They are really the only thing that stands out about me physically that yells, "I'm not the same as you!! Ha hahahah!!"
I hate that I'm so hung up on appearance. But I just want people to see the real me. And they aren't. They're seeing what the school makes me look like. And I hate it. They assume I'm just like everyone else. And I'm not. I'm sooooo very different. When I tell them I'm engaged they assume that I have a man that's just like every other man. And I don't. But I'm afraid to tell them the truth because so many of these people live in the boonies of KY or IN and barely know any gay people much less trans.
I don't know what to do with all this information. I guess just plug along through my next 3 quarters and deal. But I just feel like such a fake.
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1 comment:
Maybe part of the reason scrapbooking feels less "arty" has to do with its overwhelming popularity? I don't tell people I scrapbook right away - it drums up associations that I'm afraid will lead to inaccurate impressions about who I am. Also, with the generosity of places like SB.COM anyone with a scanner and an internet hook up can publish their art for all to see. The people who take your breath away are lumped in with thousands of others. This must be very unusual for a lot of artists who have to work pretty hard to get showings of their work.
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