Am I Who I Thin k I Am??

So I took a trip down memory lane today, and wound up falling on my ass.

Have you ever felt like you're loosing your identity? Not like in a credit card theft type way. But that you aren't the same person you used to be and you don't really like that fact?

It started out with John and I looking through my art portfolio from high school. I didn't realize what really cool stuff I had done. And then I thought about how I don't do art any more. John informed me that scrapbooking is indeed art...and I agree...however, it's a completely different type of art. I don't know, it's not as artsy of an art. You still use the same principals of design (line, shape, space, color etc) but...it still feels different some how.

Anyway, as I was driving John home I started rambling about how I feel like when I'm at school I'm loosing my identity. I have to wear maroon scrubs for one thing. Everyone at school wears a different color depending on their program. Whatever. But I feel like a cow. Not as in fat, but in that I look like everyone else.

In high school I made it my mission to be different. I was NOT going to be the same as everyone else, and I wasn't. Now, I am. I feel like I'm selling out. In high school I had dreams of being a writer; being some type of artist; basically doing something creative as my career. Now I'm going to school for Medical Coding; the least creative thing ever. But I have to do what I have to do in order to make a good living so that I can support John and I, and support any artistic endeavors I choose to partake in later.

But I feel like people at school don't know the real me. They see the maroon wearing girl that looks like everyone else. That's why I'm not giving up my black-rimmed glasses just yet. They are really the only thing that stands out about me physically that yells, "I'm not the same as you!! Ha hahahah!!"

I hate that I'm so hung up on appearance. But I just want people to see the real me. And they aren't. They're seeing what the school makes me look like. And I hate it. They assume I'm just like everyone else. And I'm not. I'm sooooo very different. When I tell them I'm engaged they assume that I have a man that's just like every other man. And I don't. But I'm afraid to tell them the truth because so many of these people live in the boonies of KY or IN and barely know any gay people much less trans.

I don't know what to do with all this information. I guess just plug along through my next 3 quarters and deal. But I just feel like such a fake.

I'm Free!

So, Sunday was my last day EVER at Michaels. I could not be happier. The last two days were rough..but I was determined to make it through them. It wasn't fun...but really, since Sam was fire back last November, had it ever really been?

Debbie was closing manager both nights, and she was her usual uptight self. Telling me how to do my job...when, obviously I know what I'm doing. I was so close to just leaving...but it has been SO long since I've left a job on good terms that I was determined to do so this time.

So, Sunday night, as we waited for the security alarm to ring so we know we could leave, I said "Bye everybody!" trying to be a bit sentimental. Maralynn said "bye" and so did most of the other girls...but Debbie just walked away.

Over a year I've worked with the woman, and she didn't even say goodbye. Fine. Be a bitch.

In other news...school is school. Not much really to say. I've been doing very well on all my tests, so that's good.

I also had lunch with a couple girls from my Med Terms class: Anglia and Chesney (sp?). It was awesome that they practically forced me to have lunch with them. I was literally in my car leaving Wendy's 'cause I had just eaten, and Anglia pulled up next to me and said, "Get your ass out of your car and eat with us!" So that was cool that they actually wanted my company!

And finally. I made this today...just a few minutes ago actually. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, but I think it's so cute that I must share it:


What do you think? I'm thinking I could make these on cards with different random things that the birds are saying. Could be cute stationary.

I've really gotten back into the whole "being creative" thing, which is fuckin' awesome! I've missed creating, and I'm glad I seem to be able to do it again. It's amazing what a reduction in stress can do for a person.

Well, I do have some homework to do, and then I'll be off to take John to work...so, see ya later :)