Someday Out of the Blue...

My wrist still really hurts...but I want to try and get this down before I forget....


2 nights ago I had a dream about an old friend of mine. Heck, he could be reading this now. I hate that I had to say "old" friend...'cause we used to be so close only a year ago. Then things happened, and I miss him still. I thought I was over it, but then I had this dream, where we were all happy again.

I don't know what truly happened to make him stop calling and ignore my emails. I have a pretty good idea though. And if that is the reason, then that makes me very sad. Because that same reason (read "reason" as "person") screwed me over earlier in my life.

There's nothing I can do about this. I emailed him one finale time, nearly 4 months or so ago, and said something like, "If you still want to be friends let me know, otherwise, this is the last you'll hear from me. I'm tired of worrying about it all the time." And I never heard a thing.

I can't tell him what to do...but I wish I knew *why* he hates me now.

Memories....

John and I took a "road trip" today. Okay. Not really. We drove around trying to find my elementary school. It really wasn't too hard...I've lived in the same city since I was four.

Anyway, we found it...but I didn't get out to take pictures or anything. I should have though. But I could see the playground from the car...and it made me very sad.

They changed the playground! Back when I went there (in the late, late '80s and early '90s) they had all these wooden play bits. Like Parallel Bars and stuff, with signs that had instructions on them with what you were supposed to do on each "station." Of course no one read the signs...we just liked climbing on stuff.

Anyway, that was ALL GONE and replaced with a really fancy looking plastic thing with slides and stuff. Very awesome...I guess.

I just have so many memories tied up in those crap wooden stations. I would play by myself often. I had my own little fantasy world in my head where there were cats (like tigers and pumas...not house cats) and monkeys. And it was fun.

When I saw it was all gone I almost started to cry. I don't know why really. I guess it was yet another sign that I'm growing up and that the world doesn't stand still.

Running Through My Brain

So, I've been doing way too much thinking about stuff lately. I told Emily I was going to post about what happened at work the other night. But now, it seems so inconsequential that I don't think I will.

I think instead of my normal, "Today I did this, that and the other" blog I'm actually going to talk about my (gasp!) feelings.

First thing is that I've been doing so incredibly well in school. I can barely believe it, honestly. Back in high school I got nearly straight A's and B's, except in Math, and Science, but that's another story. Then I went to collage and my grades sank to C's and D's. At first I was so upset by this. I knew I could do better...but I just couldn't figure out how to do it. So then finally I just took the attitude of, "Well, a 'D' is passing, at least," and "I just can't do it!" That way I wouldn't have to try and then be disappointed if I failed.

Then it got to the point where I saw no end in sight at UofL. And even if I did graduate, what would I do? I would have a degree in English, and yet not want to be a teacher. My options would be limited. Especially when I saw my friend Laura graduate from collage and is now working at Half Price Books. You know, I could get a job like that without a collage degree. Oh, wait...I have one!

So, on a whim I decided to go to Spencerian and get a degree in Medical Coding. Honestly, I wasn't even sure what Medical Coding was when I enrolled (and to be completely honest, I'm still not entirely sure!). And now, I'm getting A's on ALL of my tests. I haven't gotten less than a 91% on any of my tests. Even the Medical Terms tests! Not only do those involve memorization, but spelling as well (my two hardest areas!).

I ran into my friend Sara's mom (Sara was the girl who's wedding I went to last month) at TJ Maxx tonight. She and I started talking about what I'm up to and this and that and she said I look very happy and very relaxed. And that was so nice to hear.

I think I just feel like I have, not only a goal, but an obtainable goal that also has an end in sight. I'll only been in the program for 12 months at most. Since I passed out of some of my classes, it may be less. Then I'll have my externship, and then hopefully I'll have a job...no, a career, soon after that.

I feel like I'm on my way.

Not only that, but money will be better. Once I turn 25, which is actually a few months after I graduate, I'll be getting my inheritance from my grandparents. It's a pretty hefty amount of money. I'm not going to say how much...but it's plenty! So with that on top of a good paying career, John and I will be set.

I'm so excited about my future right now. I can see that things are going to be okay, and that they will work out. It was only a month ago that I was crying that I had no future and that I'd be living with my parents forever. Now, that has all changed.

I also talked to my friend Kristen tonight. She's been having some issues that I've been helping her with since I have gone through a lot of the same issues when I was in high school and collage (the first 2 times!). Anyway, somehow we started talking about John and me. She said that we make such a wonderful couple and that there's no pressure when she hangs out with us. She told me that we are so relaxed with each other, and it's obvious that we "work."

It just makes me feel so good that my friends take my relationship with John seriously. I think my mom is finally coming around...slowly. She said a few months ago to a friend of hers, while I was standing there, that I was saving up money to move into an apartment with a friend. Hello! He is not a friend, he's my fiancé. And if you're not comfortable saying that then at least say boyfriend.

But for the most part I don't think my mom understands how much I love John, and how much he loves me. I don't think she (or my dad or sister) understand what we go through every day. How we are there for each other no matter what. She doesn't understand why I pick him up on Saturdays from work at 6:30 in the morning when I'd rather sleep in. She thinks I'm getting walked all over maybe. But I'm not. He does just as much for me, if not more.

Anyway...I'm rambling now, and I was going to talk about high school and therapy and all this other stuff that's been on my mind. But It's 11:00 and I need to go to bed.

Okay Emily, I posted to my blog. Did you get your fix?

The Fourth of Crap-uly

That's right, my 4th sucked. It started out well enough. I got the Goodie Box together for the swap I'm in and packed it up and everything. Got the stickers together for the lady on SB.com who has a summer camp in need of stickers. I even got Kim and Teagan's b-day presents together to mail.

But then I had to go to work.

Work wasn't actually bad. We closed at 6:00 (an hour earlier than when we close on Sundays even!) but we didn't clock out until 7:06. Since I got there at 1:00 (and actually clocked in 5 minutes early since Jack asked me to) I was there over 6 hours which ment I should have taken a lunch. But I didn't, 'cause I thought we would've been out by 6:30 since we were so dead. So I had to mark on this sheet that I didn't take a lunch so they won't dock me 1/2 worth of pay.

Then I went and got John and we got Wendy's drive through. When we got back to my house the block party was fully underway. But could I enjoy it? No. I had to go inside and study for a test I had today.

So I went in, ate my (now cold) dinner and hung out with John a bit before I started studing. I studied for about 10 minutes because the matireal was so easy (what is the difference between Verbal and Non-Verbal communication? Give an example of each).

Then the fire works started.

I had never realized how afraid of fireworks I am until last night. I seriously had a panic attack from them I was so frightened. And I figured out why I was so scared.

In 2000 I went of a school trip to Europe. We were in Paris on Bastile Day (which is like the 4th of July in America). There were fireworks, but there were also firecrackers. Which scared the shit out of me since they were exploding right next to my feet.

That same night in Paris one of the girls from our group, Jennifer, went missing. To make a (very) long story short she had met up with some French guys, went to their apartment and then went to a party with them. At the party there was a stabbing and everyone was arrested, including Jennifer. She was taken to jail and eventually Mrs. Kriby (one of our teachers) was notified and had to go to the jail to translate and figure everything out.

My roommates during the trip were Jennifer and Ashley. Ashley's boyfriend was also on the trip, so Ashley would go up to his room and stay there. And, obviously Jennifer wasn't there that night. So I was in my room all by myself hearing the firecrackers going off, which is worse than fireworks, 'cause at lest with those you can see pretty things. With firecrackers, all you see is a small explosion. So, in my room, sitting on the windowsill looking out, feeling like a war was going on, not knowing where one of the girls was that night.

I guess hearing the fireworks last night so close to my house and not being able to see them (even when I went out back I couldn't see them, 'cause they were out front and I didn't want to go out front 'cause I was having a panic attack) was enough to bring back memories of the trip.

Okay, so finally it was 10:30 and I had to take John home. When I got home it started thundaring and lightining. And I realized that I had homework I still had to do that was due today.

So I did that real quick and didn't get to bed until 1:30ish. I had to be up at 6:00 to get to class by 8:15. That ment I only got about 4 1/2 hours of sleep. (And I'm feeling it!!).

So, today, I took the test which took me 5 minutes to finish. And then when I asked if she collected the homework she said she wasn't going to take it until Monday. So I said to her, "Good thing I staied up late doing it then, since it was due today." That really ticked me off.

Oh well. I have to get to class now. Then run to Wendy's for lunch and then my last 2 classes.

Hope everyone else had a good 4th.