Is It Over Yet??

Jessie called Obama the 'N' word to my face today. Then she laughed at me when I got angry at her. I left the table and sat by myself until she left and then I rejoined Amanda and Carolyn. I've never been so angry in my life. I was literally shaking. I WILL NOT associate myself with such a blatant raciest. I CANNOT do that.

I said in this post all I need to say about how I feel on the subject of racism. But today I hear also that Bill O'Reily from Fox News made comments about Obama's wife saying something about needing to lynch her (here's an article about it.). I cannot get over the amount of racism I'm experiencing all of a sudden.

Now I'm watching a documentary on Obama on MSNBC....I am praying that he is elected president. I feel so much hope that he will change things.

I don't know what to say. I'm exhausted; I'm spent. My mind literally hurts from the shit I had to deal with today from Jessie. The only good thing out of this is that I will never deal with her again. I could go into school tomorrow and she may act like nothing happened. But something DID happened. I saw in myself that I can stand up for what I believe in without yelling. I always say, "the louder you yell, the less they'll listen," and that is true. If I had yelled at Jessie she would have gotten defensive. I walked away. I was the bigger person. I walked away.

She ran to Dr. Hammond's office. He's the guy you go to if you have a learning disability or something so you get the accommodations you need. She's in his office (literally) at least once a week, often more. For petty things. In coding today, she came in late and said she was in Dr. Hammond's office.

I did NOTHING that I could get in trouble for. No matter how angry she is at me. I walked away. I did not say anything that could be taken as a "verbal attack" or "assault" because I SAID NOTHING. And I have 2 witnesses.

I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow. I don't know how much more drama shit I can take. (Note that this was not the only drama that took place today...the other things are very inconsequential but added to my stress level.)

Tomorrow is Thursday (my Friday)...one more day. One more day.

I Was Kidnapped!!!!!

Today was much better than yesterday. In fact, yesterday got much better after dinner. Kim, John and I went to the mall and well, went kinda crazy. It was so much fun to just let loose and not worry about anything or anyone. I didn't think about homework or what people were thinking. It was just pure fun.

We went to Pottery Barn, and I sat down at one of the desks where it's set up to show you how your desk could look like if you were rich and shopped at Pottery Barn. Anyway, I picked up the phone that's sitting on the desk and a little boy (maybe 3 years old) walked up to the desk and looked at me, so I said, "Do you have an appointment?" and he just looked at me like I was crazy. Then he said he wanted to play with the phone, so I handed him the phone and he tried to dial it and "talk" to the person on the other end, but he looked at me and said, "No one answered," so I told him that they must be at lunch. I also, at some point, asked him if he brought a resume, and what preschool he went too before his father dragged him away. It was too much fun!

Also at the mall 2 gay guys hit on John. Good times.

Today I was kidnapped by John and Kim and we went to the zoo. That, too was a lot of fun, but I was getting WAY behind on homework. After the zoo I got sucked in to watch The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet, and homework/studying still did not get done. Then, Kim went crazy and John made us go to Lowes to look at paint.

At Lowes we walked around designing our future house that we're apparently going to all live in together with the money we're going to make from our hypothetical scrapbook store we're opening one day. We already named it: Scrapin' Crap.

We then went to Applebee's (T.V. commercials really do work since we saw a commercial for it during The Puppy Bowel) where the waitress was a saint putting up with us.

All in all it was a great weekend. I will more than likely fail my Pharm quiz tomorrow...but it will be okay since it's not worth too much of my grade anyway. I need to relax more and have fun.

I did tell them that they are not allowed to kidnap me any more this quarter. Only one kidnapping a quarter, and they used it up.

I'm exhausted. So, I think I shall go for now :D

Am I Who I Thin k I Am??

So I took a trip down memory lane today, and wound up falling on my ass.

Have you ever felt like you're loosing your identity? Not like in a credit card theft type way. But that you aren't the same person you used to be and you don't really like that fact?

It started out with John and I looking through my art portfolio from high school. I didn't realize what really cool stuff I had done. And then I thought about how I don't do art any more. John informed me that scrapbooking is indeed art...and I agree...however, it's a completely different type of art. I don't know, it's not as artsy of an art. You still use the same principals of design (line, shape, space, color etc) but...it still feels different some how.

Anyway, as I was driving John home I started rambling about how I feel like when I'm at school I'm loosing my identity. I have to wear maroon scrubs for one thing. Everyone at school wears a different color depending on their program. Whatever. But I feel like a cow. Not as in fat, but in that I look like everyone else.

In high school I made it my mission to be different. I was NOT going to be the same as everyone else, and I wasn't. Now, I am. I feel like I'm selling out. In high school I had dreams of being a writer; being some type of artist; basically doing something creative as my career. Now I'm going to school for Medical Coding; the least creative thing ever. But I have to do what I have to do in order to make a good living so that I can support John and I, and support any artistic endeavors I choose to partake in later.

But I feel like people at school don't know the real me. They see the maroon wearing girl that looks like everyone else. That's why I'm not giving up my black-rimmed glasses just yet. They are really the only thing that stands out about me physically that yells, "I'm not the same as you!! Ha hahahah!!"

I hate that I'm so hung up on appearance. But I just want people to see the real me. And they aren't. They're seeing what the school makes me look like. And I hate it. They assume I'm just like everyone else. And I'm not. I'm sooooo very different. When I tell them I'm engaged they assume that I have a man that's just like every other man. And I don't. But I'm afraid to tell them the truth because so many of these people live in the boonies of KY or IN and barely know any gay people much less trans.

I don't know what to do with all this information. I guess just plug along through my next 3 quarters and deal. But I just feel like such a fake.

The Best News Ever In A Long Time

Today, July 25, 2007 I put my 2 week notice into Michaels!

I have never been happier about a decision I've made regarding work ever.

This is how it's gonna work:

Mom and dad decided that I have been way too stressed since school started. Which is very true. Weekends are hell since I have to get John to and from work (no bus) and work myself and study and do homework. Oh, and sleep and eat. So they decided that they would pay my AOL and my half of the phone bill. They'll still give me $190.00 every 2 weeks to help with gas and other expenses. John will still need to pay his half of the phone bill and both of us will still pay for gas for the car.

When mom told me this, I almost started to cry. It's taken such a burden off of me already, and I only just turned my notice in today. No more panic attacks before work because...I won't be working!!!!!

I just can't explain how relaxed this is making me. I'll have time to do things...like laundry and cleaning the basement...and scrapping!!! I won't have a lot of money...but hell, it's better to be sane and broke, than rich and crazy (just look at Britney Spears for an example of that!)

I still have to work this weekend, and probably next weekend as well...but that's IT! I feel like I can breath. It's wonderful.

I have some really funny photos to post later, but first I have to get them off my camera and onto my computer...we'll see when I get to that. Maybe in two weeks???

Running Through My Brain

So, I've been doing way too much thinking about stuff lately. I told Emily I was going to post about what happened at work the other night. But now, it seems so inconsequential that I don't think I will.

I think instead of my normal, "Today I did this, that and the other" blog I'm actually going to talk about my (gasp!) feelings.

First thing is that I've been doing so incredibly well in school. I can barely believe it, honestly. Back in high school I got nearly straight A's and B's, except in Math, and Science, but that's another story. Then I went to collage and my grades sank to C's and D's. At first I was so upset by this. I knew I could do better...but I just couldn't figure out how to do it. So then finally I just took the attitude of, "Well, a 'D' is passing, at least," and "I just can't do it!" That way I wouldn't have to try and then be disappointed if I failed.

Then it got to the point where I saw no end in sight at UofL. And even if I did graduate, what would I do? I would have a degree in English, and yet not want to be a teacher. My options would be limited. Especially when I saw my friend Laura graduate from collage and is now working at Half Price Books. You know, I could get a job like that without a collage degree. Oh, wait...I have one!

So, on a whim I decided to go to Spencerian and get a degree in Medical Coding. Honestly, I wasn't even sure what Medical Coding was when I enrolled (and to be completely honest, I'm still not entirely sure!). And now, I'm getting A's on ALL of my tests. I haven't gotten less than a 91% on any of my tests. Even the Medical Terms tests! Not only do those involve memorization, but spelling as well (my two hardest areas!).

I ran into my friend Sara's mom (Sara was the girl who's wedding I went to last month) at TJ Maxx tonight. She and I started talking about what I'm up to and this and that and she said I look very happy and very relaxed. And that was so nice to hear.

I think I just feel like I have, not only a goal, but an obtainable goal that also has an end in sight. I'll only been in the program for 12 months at most. Since I passed out of some of my classes, it may be less. Then I'll have my externship, and then hopefully I'll have a job...no, a career, soon after that.

I feel like I'm on my way.

Not only that, but money will be better. Once I turn 25, which is actually a few months after I graduate, I'll be getting my inheritance from my grandparents. It's a pretty hefty amount of money. I'm not going to say how much...but it's plenty! So with that on top of a good paying career, John and I will be set.

I'm so excited about my future right now. I can see that things are going to be okay, and that they will work out. It was only a month ago that I was crying that I had no future and that I'd be living with my parents forever. Now, that has all changed.

I also talked to my friend Kristen tonight. She's been having some issues that I've been helping her with since I have gone through a lot of the same issues when I was in high school and collage (the first 2 times!). Anyway, somehow we started talking about John and me. She said that we make such a wonderful couple and that there's no pressure when she hangs out with us. She told me that we are so relaxed with each other, and it's obvious that we "work."

It just makes me feel so good that my friends take my relationship with John seriously. I think my mom is finally coming around...slowly. She said a few months ago to a friend of hers, while I was standing there, that I was saving up money to move into an apartment with a friend. Hello! He is not a friend, he's my fiancé. And if you're not comfortable saying that then at least say boyfriend.

But for the most part I don't think my mom understands how much I love John, and how much he loves me. I don't think she (or my dad or sister) understand what we go through every day. How we are there for each other no matter what. She doesn't understand why I pick him up on Saturdays from work at 6:30 in the morning when I'd rather sleep in. She thinks I'm getting walked all over maybe. But I'm not. He does just as much for me, if not more.

Anyway...I'm rambling now, and I was going to talk about high school and therapy and all this other stuff that's been on my mind. But It's 11:00 and I need to go to bed.

Okay Emily, I posted to my blog. Did you get your fix?